im sick. i don't know how or with what but its awful.

well, the sickness isn't really that bad. its being sick on top of having this headsplitting toothache on top of this miserable depression that sets in every time trey leaves.

also i can't sleep because this toothache won't let anything numb it long enough for me to fall asleep. so i have to stay awake and swill cold water every minute or so to keep the demons at bay. i haven't even eaten today. i've had so much water that i feel like im slowly just diluting myself until my nerves are no longer connected and i can fall asleep in a pile of water and cells that once formed my body.

im so melodramatic.

i suppose this is what happens when i can no longer distract myself with TV shows or books because im in the sick state of mind where i can't really focus and all i want to do is get better. or sleep. or just have trey come home.

that last one is preferable.

im pretty pathetic i guess. i feel like sweet dee on sunny, the episode where she tries to get famous by making and posting videos of her "characters" only to find that charlie has posted her video diaries online. they are, of course, supremely pathetic and therefore has garnered over 80 thousand hits.

but this is what happens when i've been with a boy for 5 years. no one wants to hear about how i miss him. i think people assume we fall into some sort of routine and that everything is okay. maybe for trey. but my relationships are never routine unless i don't consider you all that important or you're too much trouble to switch it up.

for me its the same heartbreak every time he leaves. maybe it takes a week, maybe two for the knowledge to really set in. but i always end up crying into my pillow at some point, bemoaning the loss of my best friend in the whole world. never mind that he's coming back in a few months or that im visiting him in a few weeks. just the fact that he's gone makes me feel like the whole world has gone gray for the time being. the sun will shine again but for now im alternating between books, sunny, and unexpectedly crying on the couch.

im also pmsing. if that explains anything

pmsing aside i feel like i haven't been this depressed in a long time. this enduring sense of despair has been all thats on my mind. aaron came over last night and i didn't know what to talk about. literally nothing came to mind other than trey trey trey.