so i was supposed to blog everyday for lent. try to sort my feelings out, sort my life, etc

i missed two days. i think. thursday because it was st. patty's day and friday because i just couldn't bring myself to.

it was already a poor lenten resolution and i've already screwed it up. sorry jesus. i even ate meat on friday. i suck at this, this year.

i haven't spoken to trey in a week. i was about to try and type it all out...but maybe a timeline might be clearer:

sunday

text from trey: hi! i miss you too! what happened in bethesda?

sunday-wednesday

multiple calls and texts from me plus a stressed out voicemail

wednesday night

text from trey: hey babe, sorry i've been out of it for the past few days, ive been camping and i didn't think that i wouldn't have service but i get to see you tomorrow!!

text from me: .....seriously?

text from trey: i'll give you a call when i get back to school...i really am sorry love

thursday-friday

multiple texts and calls and another stressed out voicemail from me

finally i manned up and texted mrs. smith who clarified for me that trey was not coming home, we was camping instead.

so now im jsut fucking confused as hell

unfortunately i also took a pause from writing this all out to read another blogpost from an activist friend who is working with and writing about the troubles of the sex trafficking in vietnam. now i just feel like an idiot worrying about this when there are legitimately worries in the world that could use my help.

but what i need to do is to sort myself out first so i can then move on to help others.

so here goes.

i don't understand even a little bit whats going on with trey. there is never an excuse for not calling. i can understand the camping thing. but then he texted me. how was that possible? how is it not possible for him to drive into town to borrow a phone or use a pay phone to call me? i'm not going to go into all the scenarios that could happen for him to call me...even though i would go through all of them to call him. but that would just seem petty and its kind of besides the point.

he stood me up.

and i don't mean in the normal way of not showing up to a date. the only time he's ever done that was when his father grounded him for some family drama nonsense. but he stood me up for a coming home visit. he assured me he would be home, and he didn't come home. and i don't understand where the miscommunication was.

11:11. make a fucking wish.

i wish i could figure this out. i wish it would stop messing with my head and screwing me up.

the minute's over so i suppose i have to stop wishing now.

dumb superstitious wishes aside, i wish i knew what to do. i wish i didn't need him, i wish he was there. i wish he'd stop making me look like a fool, i wish i had the courage to leave. i wish i could find the love i needed elsewhere and i wish my rollercoaster of a lovelife would just pause suspended in happiness for once. i wish he'd grow up, that he would recognize how desperately i need him to stop fucking around.

is this what my relationship has come to? contemplating my next move alone on a saturday night?

its lose lose. its always lose lose for me. i prefer to leave before i'm left but i never really want to leave. i still cry, i still spend nights thinking about them, i still struggle after the relationship. if i leave, im a bitch. if i stay, im an idiot. better a bitch than stupid right?

all i want is to be wanted.

if only if only

the woodpecker sighs...

but serious if only the gym were nearer to my dorm, life would be better. maybe two weeks ago, i installed a new workout regime in my life: gym 3 times a week and abs and pushups everyday. this was in response to the fact that i no longer fit into H&M's size two

lately i have a sneaking suspicion that i haven't in a while

but getting back in shape is always a noble endeavor. especially since trey has been working out everyday since the beginning of the semester. he got a personal trainer, a new sense of dedication, and lost 15 pounds. FIFTEEN. i felt like a slob until i realized that if i lost 15 pounds i would be severely underweight and probably look gross.

at any rate, today i had a bit of a rough day, woke up at 7:30AM (having gone to bed at 4AM the night before) to study some more bmgt452. downed a 5 hour to get me going. took my exam and got out extra early so i had time to hit the gym.

it may have been a combination of the 5 hour and the gym but i felt so refreshed when i got back from the gym, i didn't even mind that i was running late or that i didn't have time to eat. i focused in class and for once could follow my professor without falling asleep or refreshing my facebook page a zillion times. then went to finance where i legitly took notes and UNDERSTOOD WHAT WAS GOING ON.

its nbd, its only like halfway through the semester that i've started being able to follow my professor.

i've been half exhausted ever since but i'm so proud of the fact that working out has begun rejuvenating my spirits :)

that and the fact that i think i've finally healed from what i suspect was a groin pull. but i have no idea since i've never pulled anything in my life. despite my random bouts of clumsiness and idiocy, i'm really not injury prone.

hm. my guardian angel must be extremely diligent

Relapse?

I may or may not be having a relapse into my aaron obsession. which is no bueno. because i found myself talking more to ryan today to avoid this and relapsing into ryan would be even worse.

i feel like a horrible person.

on the upside, today i confirmed that i am indeed the loudest djembe player in my african drumming class. so bam! i'm awesome.

in other related news, i also started extending my job search to nashville. either there are no jobs in nashville or craigslist is not so popular because there is barely anything listed for marketing/hr jobs. i'm tempted to just up and move there and walk around for a couple of weeks looking for jobs and making connections. however, that is highly unrealistic since i have no car, no money, and tons of student loan debt. fml.

back to the bad news, i think i have pimples on the back of my neck.

regardless of how it looks (it probably looks fine), it feels terribly awkward. ugh.

Remember that you are from ashes

it's that time of year again. its 3 days into lent and i've found myself doing nothing for it. which is appalling.

its not that i don't think i need improvement. i absolutely 100% do and i could name like 10 things off the top of my head that i could be working on. but i just have so much on my mind. im still struggling with aaron (though, not as intensively as i was before. but my first thought on waking up this morning was that this time last year he and i weren't speaking. wtf), i'm struggling with trey (i don't know where he and i are going...don't know if i can even feel anything anymore. i don't mean to be dramatic but after years of suppressing the disappointments and depression i think i may have finally chased it out of my life with trey, meaning i don't feel very much right now regarding our relationship), i'm struggling with school (finance just hangs over my head. its horrible, i don't understand anything and its freaking me out), i'm struggling with marisol (she had another shitfit this weekend. of course aaron made me feel like a jerk by quoting marilyn monroe, even though he missed the first half of the quote "if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best". and of course im making excuses thinking that its not that i can't handle the worst, its just how much longer do i have to handle this? i'm a horrible person essentially), and i'm still trying to find a fucking job.

there's just so much jumbled in there right now its confusing me on which ones i should be focusing on and which ones should be shelved. to me they're equally important to be resolved but i think the main thing here is that i'm not focusing enough on God.

Lent is a time of reflection, yes. but it's also a time of reconnection to God.

"return to God, with all your heart"

return to God. and the rest will follow