sweet nothings

more like boring nothings.

lately aaron has not really been saying anything to me. let me correct that

i just flopped down on my pillow. im so irritated that i can barely bring myself to type it out. but audrey is sick of listening to it, so here i go.

aaron has been saying a lot of sweet nothings. talking a lot but never anything of substance. and im over it. i get that we weren't meant to be, we don't get along, and quite frankly i don't think we even share the same interests anymore. so i stopped talking to him this week to see how it felt. it felt great.

unfortunately, aaron got extremely upset about it and we got into a fight about it on friday.

we just talked things over but while each of us apologized, it felt like the conversation didn't actually get anywhere and both of us thought the other person was still in the wrong. i just, i don't get it. why would you want to talk to me, if the only thing you're going to say is variations of "good" or "nice"

"i had a nice lunch today"
"vidya's trip to chicago was good. we had a nice time."

right aaron, because you're being so descriptive right now. it feels like i was actually there.

i know he's being hypersensitive about me because of everything that has happened recently but this is just straight up irritating. he does't want to say anything real but he wants to keep in touch and i kind of just want to be left alone. if you're not going to tell me everything, why would i want to know anything at all?

and thats the part that irritates me the most. i know if anything were to happen to him romantically, i'd be the last to know about it. so i kind of just want to be left alone. if you're going to omit things, why talk to me at all?

is that what this is about? me not knowing anything anymore? i'm not sure. it definitely has a part to play but im over him and his big headedness. i just want to move on with my life and right now its tough when he won't let me go.

maybe i don't want to be friends anymore?

the last time i checked in, my life was in turmoil. jobz were up in the air, i was flirting with feelings, and things were generally uncertain.

three months later, my life is now settled and i'm happily drawing patterns in the dust, unwilling to move for a long period of time.

my life exploded after the last entry. that's probably dramatic. whatever.

i started a job at a boutique pr firm while waiting to hear back from my two favorite prospective places, a law firm and a nonprofit pr firm. i really wanted to work for the pr firm and they really wanted me to. during the interviews it felt like we really clicked and they adored me. unfortunately, we had a mix up during the salary negotiation where the CEO started getting really defensive and touchy.

not that i was really in it for more money, but if you quote me a salary higher than what it really is, i'm going to be upset. obvs.

so that got awkward and i decided i didn't want to start a job where i was already on the outs with the CEO. took the job with the law firm. i'd like to say i haven't looked back but its just so terribly boring. after two months, i'm STILL uncertain on my job repsonsibilities. i interviewed at Edelman for a health position in DC. no luck - i don't think i had enough writing experience. they may also have hated me, because they then put the position up online. which they NEVER do.

its fine. i know that my job will pick up in the next month or two and when it does, i'll be ready. i get paid more than my pr girls, plus i'm getting time. time to do what? really, whatever i want. once i finish updating on my life, i'll get back to fiddling around with the video editing programs. it's nbd.

thats where i am, jobzwise. not a bad place to be, if i do say so myself.

aaron.

what a disaster.

we ended up hooking up one more time during a drunk outing in DC. then went over to his house to watch a movie and make a gingerbread house. pausing to vom, it sounds so adorable. we planned a final hangout before new years for us to watch the office together like old times. it was good until we started talking about us.

he told me he didn't have feelings for me. which not only sucked, but he said it like this: "we've always had chemistry but its nothing longterm."

translation: "i really like fucking you, but its nothing to stick around for."

technically, i'm being dramatic again. i know what he meant. but really, when you're breaking the news to someone, is that how you want to say it? to really stick it to me, he also told me that he hadn't felt the same about me since junior year. information that may have been helpful when we had that long discussion about our chicago fiasco.

then new years. i thought the year that trey bailed on new years, only to come crawling back because his party got busted, was my worst new years ever. boy, was i wrong.

i didn't even want to go. i was feeling miserable about myself and the world and hated everyone and everything. but i had already paid so away i went.

it was lovely to see the questers, annoying to stay with estefi and armon, and entirely too expensive of a trip. aaron and i actually got into the fight the first night i was there. he told vidya and chris about our discussion, highlighting that i had:
a. been aggressive with asking for a kiss at midnight
b. had more feelings for him than he did for me

regardless or whether or not they were true (which...they were), it was rude of him to tell people because they then asked me about it when we were pregaming. aaron was conveniently with a different group of friends across town. i was upset that he told them, even more so that he made me sound pathetic. like i was begging for him in my life. i sent series of angry texts and then stopped responding to his increasingly frantic replies. this resulted in aaron actually showing up at the bar to confront me. obviously, nothing was resolved.

the next night he granted me my wish of a sober kiss before any of the festivities started (we discussed that wish during the gingerbread session. i thought mentioning it then would literally make me vom). later that night, i had no intention of kissing him at midnight, considering what he had told chris and vids. then as i was leading the countdown, i turned and he was conveniently right there. so we made out at midnight. in front of everyone. it would have been adorable, had the rest of the night not gone to hell.

we had an emotional conversation in the stairwell, then decided it was time to get back to the party.

less than 15 minutes out of the stairwell, lucy was already all over him. an hour later the two of them were locked in the bathroom. i couldn't deal. i spent the next hour drunkenly crying in the stairwell.

i stopped talking to aaron. eventually, he surprised my by booking me a trip to nashville. i flip flopped about the issue for a bit but decided to go. i mean, its a free trip right?

barring some minor drama about his friends being there and a botched night out, it was a really good trip. i loved the city and the atmosphere and we had a lovely talk at the airport. i aired my grievances about the whole situation to him. to me they were whatever, but i guess this is the first time he was hearing it and he was upset to know that i consider him kind of a dick, yet human like the rest of us. afterall, i literally used to think he was perfect.

so now we're friends. i'm peeved that i didn't get to do it on my time. i'm also a little irritated that his friends apparently hate me now. they think i overreacted.

judging from the situation, i really have every right to take whatever course of action i chose. i'm not trying to dwell on this, but now i wonder what aaron's reaction was like to have prompted his friends hatred of me.

i'm going out of my mind insane. what with juggling job prospects, trying desperately to get the job in atlanta, interviews all this week, and then aaron ON MY MIND CONSTANTLY and somehow this is the week that i have chosen to stop talking to trey.

nice work.

i feel like i never get anywhere with doing mean things and then i relent and im trampled all over. i don't understand how people get ahead in life by sneaky or underhanded means. it doesn't feel right to me and my hearts not in it. and when my hearts not in something, i can't follow through and i just fail miserably.

first things first: atlanta. wait no, aaron first.

so. two weekends ago, aaron came home for thanksgiving. jokes, this starts further back than that. three weekends ago, i visited chicago. visited my sister and her boyfriend in the windy city and i also got to have a little face time with audrey, ganser, and aaron, all of whom came to dinner with us on friday night. audrey had to bail early, so it was just ganser and aaron that came out with my siblings later that night. we had a lot of drinks, considering it was my birthday. so my siblings went home and my friends and i went out to a different bar. aaron bought us tequila shots (mistakes) and then it was pretty late so ganser had to bail to take the train home. aaron cabbed me back to my sister's place. we made it inside and i remember putting my bag down and all of a sudden we're making out in my sister's kitchen.

aaron says i pulled this little stunt where i fake fell and he had to catch me. he pulled me up and we were standing face to face, his arms were around my waist, and we just leaned in. i don't remember any of that. just the last part.

anyways, we cabbed it back to his place and hooked up. i spent the night and it was SO WORTH IT. i woke him up early for breakfast which was a very hungover affair. he said he was going to take a nap so i took a cab back home.

later that night, i met up with him and ganser again, this time to go out with his friends in a non hipster area which i was very excited about. got less drunk this time and i actually only had one drink when we went out to the bar.

not that it matters but we went to this place called la salle power company and it was AWESOME. first floor was a dueling piano bar and the second floor was a club. i feel like i could live there.

anyways, ganser had ditched us for his friends so it was just me and aaron's friends. we made it up to the club after thoroughly enjoying the dueling piano bar and aaron and i danced a good amount. but this night wasn't as drunk and i started sobering up midway through actually. even then it was an awesome time because aaron and i were singing to each other and dancing really close. but it wasn't all aaron and stephanie, like he danced with his friends, had a little bro circle going on. it was cute. towards the end, the club played a string of bad r&b and the only person enjoying it was aaron so we decided it was time to go. aaron hailed me a cab, gave me cab fare and then surprised me with the sweetest kiss goodbye. i had no idea it was coming.

SO THATS BEEN ON MY MIND.

and then he came home for thanksgiving. friday, questees decided to go out and i decided to bring sarah and brittney. we pregamed at russ' so i went down to let aaron and drew in and we all talked and then i proceeded to hang by brittney's side so she wouldn't feel alone. he didn't say another word to me all night. in his defense, as soon as we got to the bar, maybe 15 minutes in, he ran into this girl he knew. they hugged and talked a little bit, and then she was ALL OVER HIM. and of course, drunk stephanie was ragingly jealous. but i would die before i showed jealousy so i proceeded to ignore him. and then when he left the bar we started texting and i started irritated, but ended up pissed. i basically called him out for ignoring me and he joked around for a bit, talked over his responses with drew, i mean the whole thing was so 6th grade. so his last text to me was "so you sound actually mad, instead of play mad" and by that time i had passed out so i didn't respond.

needless to say, i didn't bother texting back the next day, not to that text, and not to the good morning text he sent me. he had to call me. i didn't feel like talking to him so i said i was busy and i'd call him back. i didn't. so he called me sunday and we talked it out a little bit.

i admitted to being a little irritated because he had ignored me and then he proceeded to deny every example that i threw at him. and he ended up calling me paranoid and crazy. WTF. so i got a little mad and fell silent. he asked when we would hang out again and i said probably the weekend. and that was the end of that.

thursday night we started texting again and i asked when i would see him and he said he and olivia were going to union jacks in columbia and that i should come. i got so mad.

a. i don't particularly like olivia

b. thats like saying, oh im going to this party, you could come if you wanted, but i may or may not notice your presence

c. i did want to go, but i'd have to drive an hour, be sober, bring brittney, mingle with his friends for an hour, pretend to care about olivia, meet n greet with aaron for like 5 minutes, watch other girls hit on him, and mingle with his friends for another hour. so not worth it.

i refused to go. instead, brittney and i went out, got shitfaced, and brought home marines. of course, midway through making out with mine (he was black) i decided i wasn't into it and i bailed and slept in the bathroom on a towel bed that i made for myself. and then in the morning i gave him trey's number. because i hate trey.

aaron and i had minimal texting contact until monday when he saw me online and requested a phone chat.

we ended up skyping for over two hours. mostly catching up since both of us were too stubborn to call the other person while he was home. and then he said:

"so there's no easy way to bring this up but i find it ironic that we discuss relationships all the time but we never discuss you and me"

i was speechless. i had NO IDEA he was going to bring it up. he apologized for avoiding me on friday. and then i apologized for ignoring him out of jealousy. he told me i was much cuter than the girl anyways. we both admitted to caring a lot about each other while being seriously attracted to the other person. we also talked about chicago later when i brought it up. when i brought it up, he was like, by all means, go ahead. and i legitimately didn't know what to say and it drove him crazy hahah. he was tearing at his hair making it all crazy to emphasize it. eventually i had to lie down and not look at the computer to tell him what i felt about what happened. he had been mulling over our hook up while i had been stuck on that one kiss.

he said he couldn't really put into words what he was feeling when he kissed me, just that he was really sad to see me go, didn't want me to leave, and it just felt right. maybe if he kissed me, i wouldn't leave. which i thought was adorable. and then i confessed that i legitimately thought i had finished off those feelings for him when he moved away. and then he showed up at the dinner table on friday and everything came flooding back.

me: it was terrible

aaron: terrible?!

me: terrible...and wonderful?? i don't know! i just didn't think i had to deal with this again

this all sounds way more concise than it actually was because he and i were too stubborn to say anything outright.

and now its on my minddddddd

additionally, georgia is on my mind.

i want that atlanta position SO BAD. and i had my interviews today and i get the sinking feeling that i wasn't good enough. it wasn't that they said, it was more what they didn't say. i don't know. maybe im being paranoid.

im going crazy.

also, my parents are hoarders. kill me.

It Builds Character

At my inner urging, and partially inspired by the Glass Castle, I've decided to write down the stories that my parents tell me, in the event that I one day will want to write a legitimate novel.

Earlier this week, as my mom was driving me home, I asked her about where she and dad were, specifically, when they came to the United States. Instead, she told me everything.

Dad and his family left early, and by early I mean a week before everything went to shit. Dad stopped by mom's house but mom wasn't home so he left a forwarding address with Ong. Dad had siblings already in Germany so even though he hadn't a clue where he was going to be in the United States, any letter sent to the address in Germany would surely be forwarded to him. Because dad left early, he and his family flew out. Mom put the slip of paper in her pocket and promptly forgot all about it.

A few days later, mom and her sisters packed up, said farewell to Ong and Ba who refused to leave and set off for the airport. Upon arrival, they found that the airport had been bombed so they turned around with heavy hearts. At home, Ong and Ba finally decided to flee. So despite the curfew that had been placed on the town, they packed up, one bag each, and headed for the coast in the dead of the night, each family member on their own scooter. When they got there, they abandoned the scooters on the sand and were rowed out to an enormous tanker. They had to climb a ladder to the top of the ship. It was so long and tedious, that in getting up and helping Ong and Ba, they lost all their belongings and ended up leaving with just the clothes on their back.

Mom ended up at a camp in Indiana/Illinois. She applied to go to school in Dallas on a scholarship, which she eventually received. So while her family set up in New Jersey, mom flew out to Texas. Two weeks into the program, she received word that Ong was having health complications and flew back. Ong passed a few weeks later.

Around this time, mom found the slip of paper in her pocket

So...what happens now?

now that Trey and I are done (officially done done) i don't really know what comes next.

its been a month since i last spoke to him. and everything is kind of a jumble. i want to call but i don't know what to say. i find that particularly sad.

i rotate between bouts of anger, denial, sadness, mourning, being actually okay with the whole thing, and shock. its like i don't know what i should be feeling. i'm not sure if its been so long that i can't quite fathom the magnitude of the situation or its been so long coming that i've been ready for this

so i was supposed to blog everyday for lent. try to sort my feelings out, sort my life, etc

i missed two days. i think. thursday because it was st. patty's day and friday because i just couldn't bring myself to.

it was already a poor lenten resolution and i've already screwed it up. sorry jesus. i even ate meat on friday. i suck at this, this year.

i haven't spoken to trey in a week. i was about to try and type it all out...but maybe a timeline might be clearer:

sunday

text from trey: hi! i miss you too! what happened in bethesda?

sunday-wednesday

multiple calls and texts from me plus a stressed out voicemail

wednesday night

text from trey: hey babe, sorry i've been out of it for the past few days, ive been camping and i didn't think that i wouldn't have service but i get to see you tomorrow!!

text from me: .....seriously?

text from trey: i'll give you a call when i get back to school...i really am sorry love

thursday-friday

multiple texts and calls and another stressed out voicemail from me

finally i manned up and texted mrs. smith who clarified for me that trey was not coming home, we was camping instead.

so now im jsut fucking confused as hell

unfortunately i also took a pause from writing this all out to read another blogpost from an activist friend who is working with and writing about the troubles of the sex trafficking in vietnam. now i just feel like an idiot worrying about this when there are legitimately worries in the world that could use my help.

but what i need to do is to sort myself out first so i can then move on to help others.

so here goes.

i don't understand even a little bit whats going on with trey. there is never an excuse for not calling. i can understand the camping thing. but then he texted me. how was that possible? how is it not possible for him to drive into town to borrow a phone or use a pay phone to call me? i'm not going to go into all the scenarios that could happen for him to call me...even though i would go through all of them to call him. but that would just seem petty and its kind of besides the point.

he stood me up.

and i don't mean in the normal way of not showing up to a date. the only time he's ever done that was when his father grounded him for some family drama nonsense. but he stood me up for a coming home visit. he assured me he would be home, and he didn't come home. and i don't understand where the miscommunication was.

11:11. make a fucking wish.

i wish i could figure this out. i wish it would stop messing with my head and screwing me up.

the minute's over so i suppose i have to stop wishing now.

dumb superstitious wishes aside, i wish i knew what to do. i wish i didn't need him, i wish he was there. i wish he'd stop making me look like a fool, i wish i had the courage to leave. i wish i could find the love i needed elsewhere and i wish my rollercoaster of a lovelife would just pause suspended in happiness for once. i wish he'd grow up, that he would recognize how desperately i need him to stop fucking around.

is this what my relationship has come to? contemplating my next move alone on a saturday night?

its lose lose. its always lose lose for me. i prefer to leave before i'm left but i never really want to leave. i still cry, i still spend nights thinking about them, i still struggle after the relationship. if i leave, im a bitch. if i stay, im an idiot. better a bitch than stupid right?

all i want is to be wanted.

if only if only

the woodpecker sighs...

but serious if only the gym were nearer to my dorm, life would be better. maybe two weeks ago, i installed a new workout regime in my life: gym 3 times a week and abs and pushups everyday. this was in response to the fact that i no longer fit into H&M's size two

lately i have a sneaking suspicion that i haven't in a while

but getting back in shape is always a noble endeavor. especially since trey has been working out everyday since the beginning of the semester. he got a personal trainer, a new sense of dedication, and lost 15 pounds. FIFTEEN. i felt like a slob until i realized that if i lost 15 pounds i would be severely underweight and probably look gross.

at any rate, today i had a bit of a rough day, woke up at 7:30AM (having gone to bed at 4AM the night before) to study some more bmgt452. downed a 5 hour to get me going. took my exam and got out extra early so i had time to hit the gym.

it may have been a combination of the 5 hour and the gym but i felt so refreshed when i got back from the gym, i didn't even mind that i was running late or that i didn't have time to eat. i focused in class and for once could follow my professor without falling asleep or refreshing my facebook page a zillion times. then went to finance where i legitly took notes and UNDERSTOOD WHAT WAS GOING ON.

its nbd, its only like halfway through the semester that i've started being able to follow my professor.

i've been half exhausted ever since but i'm so proud of the fact that working out has begun rejuvenating my spirits :)

that and the fact that i think i've finally healed from what i suspect was a groin pull. but i have no idea since i've never pulled anything in my life. despite my random bouts of clumsiness and idiocy, i'm really not injury prone.

hm. my guardian angel must be extremely diligent