I get all sexy...for nothing

nothing happened with aaron.

i'm massively disappointed.

One is the loneliest number > Three's a party ?

I live in an apartment with 3 other girls. Currently, all 3 of the others have steady boyfriends. The kind of boyfriends that more or less have become a part of their identity. If my roommate isn't here, then she is most likely there. If my roommate is here then said boy is here.

I am the only single roommate.

Yes, I acknowledge that this is by my doing. After all, I said single, not available. I'm not here to be bitter about being single. We can all wait for the Valentine's Day post on that topic.

But here's the thing. Somehow I find myself in two consistent scenarios. Either I come home to a completely empty apartment because all my roommates are with the boyfriends. A very lonely feeling to be left like that. Or come home an apartment full with all the couples crowded on the couch having couples time watching TV.

I may have to go with equally heinous on this one.

My Visit To Auburn

-being greeted with a sweeping hug and a kiss

-unsettling society

-stuck out

-smoking, LOTS OF IT

-meeting new people

-being awkward

-marveling at the tailgating

-marveling at the intensity of the game

-marveling at the mild cheers

-scorning the ridiculous cheers

-going to the bar and having my ID be seriously scrutinized since they've never seen a maryland id

-being hit on by boys who go to kentucky

-getting pulled aside later to find that trey and his boys were trying to fight them

-being at the bar and not knowing who the big black man was

-coming home and wowing everyone with the fact that i was at the bar with charles barkley

-getting little italy pizza. thick AND thin it was delicious

-trey and james freestyle rapping

-driving trey's truck

-trey making waffles and having an accident with a melted baggie of weed

-staying up late

-sleeping in

-shopping while trey was at class

but mostly,

hanging out with trey. touching him. hugging him. kissing him. cuddling with him. even sitting on the same couch with him. holding hands with him.

just looking at him.

being there for those four days i had the delicious taste of being madly in love with trey and wonderfully relaxed and comfortable and i never want to let it go.

you know what they say, you never forget that first love.

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2010/10/19/punish_crime_not_thought_107629.html

I'm not sure how much of this is from my period

but i really just feel like crying.

i don't know what to do about the aaron situation. we left on a bad note and he won't really talk to me about it. i haven't confronted him about it but i doubt i will get the chance to, before i leave. i think i definitely will, if he doesn't when i come home.

i jsut don't know. this is the third time that its come up that i don't know why he stopped talking to me back in february.

last night when i brought it, as the reason why im hesitant on sharing and why i get upset, he shot back at me that whenever i bring it up it makes him feel like shit and makes him think that i don't know why he stopped talking to me. so then i offered up what little i could remember and asked if i was wrong.

he then said goodnight, and we would talk more tomorrow.

which we obviously did not do. which upsets me, because i hate when he kind of just walls himself off without any explanation. although i do know that i upset him, just from his words. im glad i actually got a reaction.

okay, thats just spiteful for me to say. i take it back.

i still don't feel any better. and this blog is getting less and less intelligent by the day. maybe that could be my new years resolution...

...then again, maybe not

The future freaks me out

last night i had yet another extensive conversation with aaron that of course, due to my bad mood, turned into an argument

let me just begin by saying, i have never met someone who i misunderstand and disagree with CONSTANTLY. neither have i ever been so wildly attracted to someone so obtuse.

i honestly don't know how to resolve this. we disagree on everything and then i get worked up about it and in typical stephanie fashion, usually begin needling him into the same emotional state since i never like to be the only one upset.

i sent a text to steven: "self destructive tendencies at an all time high. help"

his response?

"stay calm, think before you say anything, and don't be self destructive!"

my life coach is truly unhelpful.

Yet another post on an overdone topic. Sorry

but i had to...i think marisol is tired of me griping all the time about a guy that i could have had but didn't want and now i want because he is distancing himself from me.

at least thats what i think but i might just be getting paranoid.

we've had three movie nights to date. during the first two, we cuddled and all around had a good time. during the second one he even played with my hair which i loved.

friday was our third movie night. i don't even think he wanted to have it so i texted him saying if he wasn't up for it, i wouldn't be offended. he said no, we can just watch a funny movie instead. and it was his turn to pick and his turn to host. i was excited about him hosting it because usually when i go over there i just sit on the couch and he lays on the bed. so this time around i was hoping i could join him on the bed.

he extended no such invitation.

so i slumped on the couch to watch the movie while he luxuriously stretched out on the bed. there was no touching during the movie, not even hand holding, much less cuddling. serious bust. and then towards the end of the night when i thought our hands might touch, trey calls me, probably reminding aaron not to get his hopes up because i'll be visiting my not really boyfriend within a matter of days.

how upsetting to both of us.

i hate this situation. i want aaron, i love trey. trey isn't here and aaron i think, is at least trying really hard to get over me, if not completely over me already. he said so last semester and i can feel it slipping between us. i feel like he's getting stephanie overload since i've been so boring lately and we talk/hang out practically every single day.

and on top of my regular emotional turmoil, he's mentioned liking amanda's friend sheila and has hinted towards me setting them up. i told him i was all for it but i really just want to bang my head on the table. i don't want him getting with some other girl, i want him getting with me.

but i know he's not my property and doesn't belong to me and so technically it really isn't any of my business who he does and does not make moves on.

ack.

Fantasy Football is tearing apart my allegiances and my Sunday afternoons

since last year, i have made a conscious effort to educate myself about football. i have become a ravens fan (the choice was obvious as living in the dc metro area, my only alternative would have been the skins). i got a ravens jersey for christmas, have gone to most of the maryland games, even bought a maryland jersey as a sign of my willingness to look hardcore.

but its really one thing to be reading up on football rules and penalties and another to really know the game and the players. so this year, i joined my first ever fantasy football league.

i knew a little about the players on the ravens team when i joined. i knew big names like drew brees and eli manning and tom brady and tony homo, i'm sorry, romo. but that was really it. when i drafted i had trey on the phone, telling me exactly who to draft and when.

a week or two later after i'd lost my first fantasy game (i checked on monday after all the games were played), i had rhett come over and tell me what was wrong with my team.

a week after that i started winning. and started paying attention to my team and the games and the players.

this week im losing and its driving me nuts. what i thought would have been a harmless venture into educational game playing is tearing me up. i barely even cared that the ravens won, only that flacco was throwing to every single possible receiver on the roster EXCEPT for boldin. boldin gave me 2 points today. two weeks ago he almost hit 40.

the ravens game wasn't on so i turned on the skins game. i have some dc pride so i cheer for them every now and then. except today, i had the packers defense on my fantasy team so i was cheering both against skins offense and aaron rodgers as i was playing against him. it was pretty intense.

i was so anxious, it took me all afternoon to complete the one task i had wanted to finish: a one page list of skills that key account managers should have. it should have taken me 15 minutes.

what have you done to my life, fantasy football?

also, i need to get rid of a few people on my team. johnny knox officially sucks.

Case of the Negative Nancy

im word vomming like crazy these days.

i'm unclear on what the cause is but the result is definitely noticeable. everyone's commented on it and its dragging me down. and i can't stop. every time i open my mouth, i only have something awful coming out of it.

insert joke about shoving something in it instead. pun intended.

anyways, this problem has left me stumped, confused, and as much of a downer than ever. maybe even more so. my life sucks because i can't figure out how to turn my frown upside down.

there i go again.

and while im criticizing myself, that phrase is so gay. i hated when someone said that to me when i was little.

k, i should stop the angry unhappiness here.

happy things.....and go.

im so happy to have aaron in my life, even if i can't have him for what i really want. but as a friend, he's pretty fucking amazing. he's supportive, constructive, and makes me laugh all the time. im also grateful for marisol in my life. my co-conspirator in life, she helps me get through all the nonsense that i face with school and trey and not being able to find a job. and she helps me with my self esteem when she comes to me for advice. and i suspect i help with hers when i do the same. and she always backs me up when aaron wrong accuses me of shenanigans.

and then there's trey whom i don't like very much right now because he didn't return any of my voicemails or texts yesterday. and i don't want to sound like a crazy person but its just that i semi got an offer yesterday and he couldn't take the time out of his stupid drink specials wednesday to call and congratulate me.

nope, no more negativeness.

trey is awesome. he calls me all the time now, mostly when he's drunk but that might count double. since he's leaving the party or the bar and devoting his time to telling me how much he loves me instead of focusing efforts on charming the southern belles that he is so partial to. he loves me and he lets me know :)

im blessed with a loving family that, despite making me cry, never ceases to make me smile as well.

theres more...but class calls

The Golden Rule

"you've heard of the golden rule? whoever has the gold, makes the rules"

a fantastic statement from a disguised jafar in aladdin. most other people know it as "do unto others as you would have them do to you"

when i was young i first learned it in sunday CCD. obviously to my innocent ears i believed this was the most revolutionary statement. already i had experienced the snide comments and snickers that would accompany me throughout my awkward years and then be reproduced in my older self to those that hadn't left their awkward stages.

and then i hit middle school and met emily green. she was truly horrifying with mousy, unkempt brown hair that poorly framed a mildly chipmunk cheeked face with wide eyes set too close together.

finish this later