i'm going out of my mind insane. what with juggling job prospects, trying desperately to get the job in atlanta, interviews all this week, and then aaron ON MY MIND CONSTANTLY and somehow this is the week that i have chosen to stop talking to trey.

nice work.

i feel like i never get anywhere with doing mean things and then i relent and im trampled all over. i don't understand how people get ahead in life by sneaky or underhanded means. it doesn't feel right to me and my hearts not in it. and when my hearts not in something, i can't follow through and i just fail miserably.

first things first: atlanta. wait no, aaron first.

so. two weekends ago, aaron came home for thanksgiving. jokes, this starts further back than that. three weekends ago, i visited chicago. visited my sister and her boyfriend in the windy city and i also got to have a little face time with audrey, ganser, and aaron, all of whom came to dinner with us on friday night. audrey had to bail early, so it was just ganser and aaron that came out with my siblings later that night. we had a lot of drinks, considering it was my birthday. so my siblings went home and my friends and i went out to a different bar. aaron bought us tequila shots (mistakes) and then it was pretty late so ganser had to bail to take the train home. aaron cabbed me back to my sister's place. we made it inside and i remember putting my bag down and all of a sudden we're making out in my sister's kitchen.

aaron says i pulled this little stunt where i fake fell and he had to catch me. he pulled me up and we were standing face to face, his arms were around my waist, and we just leaned in. i don't remember any of that. just the last part.

anyways, we cabbed it back to his place and hooked up. i spent the night and it was SO WORTH IT. i woke him up early for breakfast which was a very hungover affair. he said he was going to take a nap so i took a cab back home.

later that night, i met up with him and ganser again, this time to go out with his friends in a non hipster area which i was very excited about. got less drunk this time and i actually only had one drink when we went out to the bar.

not that it matters but we went to this place called la salle power company and it was AWESOME. first floor was a dueling piano bar and the second floor was a club. i feel like i could live there.

anyways, ganser had ditched us for his friends so it was just me and aaron's friends. we made it up to the club after thoroughly enjoying the dueling piano bar and aaron and i danced a good amount. but this night wasn't as drunk and i started sobering up midway through actually. even then it was an awesome time because aaron and i were singing to each other and dancing really close. but it wasn't all aaron and stephanie, like he danced with his friends, had a little bro circle going on. it was cute. towards the end, the club played a string of bad r&b and the only person enjoying it was aaron so we decided it was time to go. aaron hailed me a cab, gave me cab fare and then surprised me with the sweetest kiss goodbye. i had no idea it was coming.

SO THATS BEEN ON MY MIND.

and then he came home for thanksgiving. friday, questees decided to go out and i decided to bring sarah and brittney. we pregamed at russ' so i went down to let aaron and drew in and we all talked and then i proceeded to hang by brittney's side so she wouldn't feel alone. he didn't say another word to me all night. in his defense, as soon as we got to the bar, maybe 15 minutes in, he ran into this girl he knew. they hugged and talked a little bit, and then she was ALL OVER HIM. and of course, drunk stephanie was ragingly jealous. but i would die before i showed jealousy so i proceeded to ignore him. and then when he left the bar we started texting and i started irritated, but ended up pissed. i basically called him out for ignoring me and he joked around for a bit, talked over his responses with drew, i mean the whole thing was so 6th grade. so his last text to me was "so you sound actually mad, instead of play mad" and by that time i had passed out so i didn't respond.

needless to say, i didn't bother texting back the next day, not to that text, and not to the good morning text he sent me. he had to call me. i didn't feel like talking to him so i said i was busy and i'd call him back. i didn't. so he called me sunday and we talked it out a little bit.

i admitted to being a little irritated because he had ignored me and then he proceeded to deny every example that i threw at him. and he ended up calling me paranoid and crazy. WTF. so i got a little mad and fell silent. he asked when we would hang out again and i said probably the weekend. and that was the end of that.

thursday night we started texting again and i asked when i would see him and he said he and olivia were going to union jacks in columbia and that i should come. i got so mad.

a. i don't particularly like olivia

b. thats like saying, oh im going to this party, you could come if you wanted, but i may or may not notice your presence

c. i did want to go, but i'd have to drive an hour, be sober, bring brittney, mingle with his friends for an hour, pretend to care about olivia, meet n greet with aaron for like 5 minutes, watch other girls hit on him, and mingle with his friends for another hour. so not worth it.

i refused to go. instead, brittney and i went out, got shitfaced, and brought home marines. of course, midway through making out with mine (he was black) i decided i wasn't into it and i bailed and slept in the bathroom on a towel bed that i made for myself. and then in the morning i gave him trey's number. because i hate trey.

aaron and i had minimal texting contact until monday when he saw me online and requested a phone chat.

we ended up skyping for over two hours. mostly catching up since both of us were too stubborn to call the other person while he was home. and then he said:

"so there's no easy way to bring this up but i find it ironic that we discuss relationships all the time but we never discuss you and me"

i was speechless. i had NO IDEA he was going to bring it up. he apologized for avoiding me on friday. and then i apologized for ignoring him out of jealousy. he told me i was much cuter than the girl anyways. we both admitted to caring a lot about each other while being seriously attracted to the other person. we also talked about chicago later when i brought it up. when i brought it up, he was like, by all means, go ahead. and i legitimately didn't know what to say and it drove him crazy hahah. he was tearing at his hair making it all crazy to emphasize it. eventually i had to lie down and not look at the computer to tell him what i felt about what happened. he had been mulling over our hook up while i had been stuck on that one kiss.

he said he couldn't really put into words what he was feeling when he kissed me, just that he was really sad to see me go, didn't want me to leave, and it just felt right. maybe if he kissed me, i wouldn't leave. which i thought was adorable. and then i confessed that i legitimately thought i had finished off those feelings for him when he moved away. and then he showed up at the dinner table on friday and everything came flooding back.

me: it was terrible

aaron: terrible?!

me: terrible...and wonderful?? i don't know! i just didn't think i had to deal with this again

this all sounds way more concise than it actually was because he and i were too stubborn to say anything outright.

and now its on my minddddddd

additionally, georgia is on my mind.

i want that atlanta position SO BAD. and i had my interviews today and i get the sinking feeling that i wasn't good enough. it wasn't that they said, it was more what they didn't say. i don't know. maybe im being paranoid.

im going crazy.

also, my parents are hoarders. kill me.

It Builds Character

At my inner urging, and partially inspired by the Glass Castle, I've decided to write down the stories that my parents tell me, in the event that I one day will want to write a legitimate novel.

Earlier this week, as my mom was driving me home, I asked her about where she and dad were, specifically, when they came to the United States. Instead, she told me everything.

Dad and his family left early, and by early I mean a week before everything went to shit. Dad stopped by mom's house but mom wasn't home so he left a forwarding address with Ong. Dad had siblings already in Germany so even though he hadn't a clue where he was going to be in the United States, any letter sent to the address in Germany would surely be forwarded to him. Because dad left early, he and his family flew out. Mom put the slip of paper in her pocket and promptly forgot all about it.

A few days later, mom and her sisters packed up, said farewell to Ong and Ba who refused to leave and set off for the airport. Upon arrival, they found that the airport had been bombed so they turned around with heavy hearts. At home, Ong and Ba finally decided to flee. So despite the curfew that had been placed on the town, they packed up, one bag each, and headed for the coast in the dead of the night, each family member on their own scooter. When they got there, they abandoned the scooters on the sand and were rowed out to an enormous tanker. They had to climb a ladder to the top of the ship. It was so long and tedious, that in getting up and helping Ong and Ba, they lost all their belongings and ended up leaving with just the clothes on their back.

Mom ended up at a camp in Indiana/Illinois. She applied to go to school in Dallas on a scholarship, which she eventually received. So while her family set up in New Jersey, mom flew out to Texas. Two weeks into the program, she received word that Ong was having health complications and flew back. Ong passed a few weeks later.

Around this time, mom found the slip of paper in her pocket

So...what happens now?

now that Trey and I are done (officially done done) i don't really know what comes next.

its been a month since i last spoke to him. and everything is kind of a jumble. i want to call but i don't know what to say. i find that particularly sad.

i rotate between bouts of anger, denial, sadness, mourning, being actually okay with the whole thing, and shock. its like i don't know what i should be feeling. i'm not sure if its been so long that i can't quite fathom the magnitude of the situation or its been so long coming that i've been ready for this

so i was supposed to blog everyday for lent. try to sort my feelings out, sort my life, etc

i missed two days. i think. thursday because it was st. patty's day and friday because i just couldn't bring myself to.

it was already a poor lenten resolution and i've already screwed it up. sorry jesus. i even ate meat on friday. i suck at this, this year.

i haven't spoken to trey in a week. i was about to try and type it all out...but maybe a timeline might be clearer:

sunday

text from trey: hi! i miss you too! what happened in bethesda?

sunday-wednesday

multiple calls and texts from me plus a stressed out voicemail

wednesday night

text from trey: hey babe, sorry i've been out of it for the past few days, ive been camping and i didn't think that i wouldn't have service but i get to see you tomorrow!!

text from me: .....seriously?

text from trey: i'll give you a call when i get back to school...i really am sorry love

thursday-friday

multiple texts and calls and another stressed out voicemail from me

finally i manned up and texted mrs. smith who clarified for me that trey was not coming home, we was camping instead.

so now im jsut fucking confused as hell

unfortunately i also took a pause from writing this all out to read another blogpost from an activist friend who is working with and writing about the troubles of the sex trafficking in vietnam. now i just feel like an idiot worrying about this when there are legitimately worries in the world that could use my help.

but what i need to do is to sort myself out first so i can then move on to help others.

so here goes.

i don't understand even a little bit whats going on with trey. there is never an excuse for not calling. i can understand the camping thing. but then he texted me. how was that possible? how is it not possible for him to drive into town to borrow a phone or use a pay phone to call me? i'm not going to go into all the scenarios that could happen for him to call me...even though i would go through all of them to call him. but that would just seem petty and its kind of besides the point.

he stood me up.

and i don't mean in the normal way of not showing up to a date. the only time he's ever done that was when his father grounded him for some family drama nonsense. but he stood me up for a coming home visit. he assured me he would be home, and he didn't come home. and i don't understand where the miscommunication was.

11:11. make a fucking wish.

i wish i could figure this out. i wish it would stop messing with my head and screwing me up.

the minute's over so i suppose i have to stop wishing now.

dumb superstitious wishes aside, i wish i knew what to do. i wish i didn't need him, i wish he was there. i wish he'd stop making me look like a fool, i wish i had the courage to leave. i wish i could find the love i needed elsewhere and i wish my rollercoaster of a lovelife would just pause suspended in happiness for once. i wish he'd grow up, that he would recognize how desperately i need him to stop fucking around.

is this what my relationship has come to? contemplating my next move alone on a saturday night?

its lose lose. its always lose lose for me. i prefer to leave before i'm left but i never really want to leave. i still cry, i still spend nights thinking about them, i still struggle after the relationship. if i leave, im a bitch. if i stay, im an idiot. better a bitch than stupid right?

all i want is to be wanted.

if only if only

the woodpecker sighs...

but serious if only the gym were nearer to my dorm, life would be better. maybe two weeks ago, i installed a new workout regime in my life: gym 3 times a week and abs and pushups everyday. this was in response to the fact that i no longer fit into H&M's size two

lately i have a sneaking suspicion that i haven't in a while

but getting back in shape is always a noble endeavor. especially since trey has been working out everyday since the beginning of the semester. he got a personal trainer, a new sense of dedication, and lost 15 pounds. FIFTEEN. i felt like a slob until i realized that if i lost 15 pounds i would be severely underweight and probably look gross.

at any rate, today i had a bit of a rough day, woke up at 7:30AM (having gone to bed at 4AM the night before) to study some more bmgt452. downed a 5 hour to get me going. took my exam and got out extra early so i had time to hit the gym.

it may have been a combination of the 5 hour and the gym but i felt so refreshed when i got back from the gym, i didn't even mind that i was running late or that i didn't have time to eat. i focused in class and for once could follow my professor without falling asleep or refreshing my facebook page a zillion times. then went to finance where i legitly took notes and UNDERSTOOD WHAT WAS GOING ON.

its nbd, its only like halfway through the semester that i've started being able to follow my professor.

i've been half exhausted ever since but i'm so proud of the fact that working out has begun rejuvenating my spirits :)

that and the fact that i think i've finally healed from what i suspect was a groin pull. but i have no idea since i've never pulled anything in my life. despite my random bouts of clumsiness and idiocy, i'm really not injury prone.

hm. my guardian angel must be extremely diligent

Relapse?

I may or may not be having a relapse into my aaron obsession. which is no bueno. because i found myself talking more to ryan today to avoid this and relapsing into ryan would be even worse.

i feel like a horrible person.

on the upside, today i confirmed that i am indeed the loudest djembe player in my african drumming class. so bam! i'm awesome.

in other related news, i also started extending my job search to nashville. either there are no jobs in nashville or craigslist is not so popular because there is barely anything listed for marketing/hr jobs. i'm tempted to just up and move there and walk around for a couple of weeks looking for jobs and making connections. however, that is highly unrealistic since i have no car, no money, and tons of student loan debt. fml.

back to the bad news, i think i have pimples on the back of my neck.

regardless of how it looks (it probably looks fine), it feels terribly awkward. ugh.

Remember that you are from ashes

it's that time of year again. its 3 days into lent and i've found myself doing nothing for it. which is appalling.

its not that i don't think i need improvement. i absolutely 100% do and i could name like 10 things off the top of my head that i could be working on. but i just have so much on my mind. im still struggling with aaron (though, not as intensively as i was before. but my first thought on waking up this morning was that this time last year he and i weren't speaking. wtf), i'm struggling with trey (i don't know where he and i are going...don't know if i can even feel anything anymore. i don't mean to be dramatic but after years of suppressing the disappointments and depression i think i may have finally chased it out of my life with trey, meaning i don't feel very much right now regarding our relationship), i'm struggling with school (finance just hangs over my head. its horrible, i don't understand anything and its freaking me out), i'm struggling with marisol (she had another shitfit this weekend. of course aaron made me feel like a jerk by quoting marilyn monroe, even though he missed the first half of the quote "if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best". and of course im making excuses thinking that its not that i can't handle the worst, its just how much longer do i have to handle this? i'm a horrible person essentially), and i'm still trying to find a fucking job.

there's just so much jumbled in there right now its confusing me on which ones i should be focusing on and which ones should be shelved. to me they're equally important to be resolved but i think the main thing here is that i'm not focusing enough on God.

Lent is a time of reflection, yes. but it's also a time of reconnection to God.

"return to God, with all your heart"

return to God. and the rest will follow

im sick. i don't know how or with what but its awful.

well, the sickness isn't really that bad. its being sick on top of having this headsplitting toothache on top of this miserable depression that sets in every time trey leaves.

also i can't sleep because this toothache won't let anything numb it long enough for me to fall asleep. so i have to stay awake and swill cold water every minute or so to keep the demons at bay. i haven't even eaten today. i've had so much water that i feel like im slowly just diluting myself until my nerves are no longer connected and i can fall asleep in a pile of water and cells that once formed my body.

im so melodramatic.

i suppose this is what happens when i can no longer distract myself with TV shows or books because im in the sick state of mind where i can't really focus and all i want to do is get better. or sleep. or just have trey come home.

that last one is preferable.

im pretty pathetic i guess. i feel like sweet dee on sunny, the episode where she tries to get famous by making and posting videos of her "characters" only to find that charlie has posted her video diaries online. they are, of course, supremely pathetic and therefore has garnered over 80 thousand hits.

but this is what happens when i've been with a boy for 5 years. no one wants to hear about how i miss him. i think people assume we fall into some sort of routine and that everything is okay. maybe for trey. but my relationships are never routine unless i don't consider you all that important or you're too much trouble to switch it up.

for me its the same heartbreak every time he leaves. maybe it takes a week, maybe two for the knowledge to really set in. but i always end up crying into my pillow at some point, bemoaning the loss of my best friend in the whole world. never mind that he's coming back in a few months or that im visiting him in a few weeks. just the fact that he's gone makes me feel like the whole world has gone gray for the time being. the sun will shine again but for now im alternating between books, sunny, and unexpectedly crying on the couch.

im also pmsing. if that explains anything

pmsing aside i feel like i haven't been this depressed in a long time. this enduring sense of despair has been all thats on my mind. aaron came over last night and i didn't know what to talk about. literally nothing came to mind other than trey trey trey.