i'm going out of my mind insane. what with juggling job prospects, trying desperately to get the job in atlanta, interviews all this week, and then aaron ON MY MIND CONSTANTLY and somehow this is the week that i have chosen to stop talking to trey.

nice work.

i feel like i never get anywhere with doing mean things and then i relent and im trampled all over. i don't understand how people get ahead in life by sneaky or underhanded means. it doesn't feel right to me and my hearts not in it. and when my hearts not in something, i can't follow through and i just fail miserably.

first things first: atlanta. wait no, aaron first.

so. two weekends ago, aaron came home for thanksgiving. jokes, this starts further back than that. three weekends ago, i visited chicago. visited my sister and her boyfriend in the windy city and i also got to have a little face time with audrey, ganser, and aaron, all of whom came to dinner with us on friday night. audrey had to bail early, so it was just ganser and aaron that came out with my siblings later that night. we had a lot of drinks, considering it was my birthday. so my siblings went home and my friends and i went out to a different bar. aaron bought us tequila shots (mistakes) and then it was pretty late so ganser had to bail to take the train home. aaron cabbed me back to my sister's place. we made it inside and i remember putting my bag down and all of a sudden we're making out in my sister's kitchen.

aaron says i pulled this little stunt where i fake fell and he had to catch me. he pulled me up and we were standing face to face, his arms were around my waist, and we just leaned in. i don't remember any of that. just the last part.

anyways, we cabbed it back to his place and hooked up. i spent the night and it was SO WORTH IT. i woke him up early for breakfast which was a very hungover affair. he said he was going to take a nap so i took a cab back home.

later that night, i met up with him and ganser again, this time to go out with his friends in a non hipster area which i was very excited about. got less drunk this time and i actually only had one drink when we went out to the bar.

not that it matters but we went to this place called la salle power company and it was AWESOME. first floor was a dueling piano bar and the second floor was a club. i feel like i could live there.

anyways, ganser had ditched us for his friends so it was just me and aaron's friends. we made it up to the club after thoroughly enjoying the dueling piano bar and aaron and i danced a good amount. but this night wasn't as drunk and i started sobering up midway through actually. even then it was an awesome time because aaron and i were singing to each other and dancing really close. but it wasn't all aaron and stephanie, like he danced with his friends, had a little bro circle going on. it was cute. towards the end, the club played a string of bad r&b and the only person enjoying it was aaron so we decided it was time to go. aaron hailed me a cab, gave me cab fare and then surprised me with the sweetest kiss goodbye. i had no idea it was coming.

SO THATS BEEN ON MY MIND.

and then he came home for thanksgiving. friday, questees decided to go out and i decided to bring sarah and brittney. we pregamed at russ' so i went down to let aaron and drew in and we all talked and then i proceeded to hang by brittney's side so she wouldn't feel alone. he didn't say another word to me all night. in his defense, as soon as we got to the bar, maybe 15 minutes in, he ran into this girl he knew. they hugged and talked a little bit, and then she was ALL OVER HIM. and of course, drunk stephanie was ragingly jealous. but i would die before i showed jealousy so i proceeded to ignore him. and then when he left the bar we started texting and i started irritated, but ended up pissed. i basically called him out for ignoring me and he joked around for a bit, talked over his responses with drew, i mean the whole thing was so 6th grade. so his last text to me was "so you sound actually mad, instead of play mad" and by that time i had passed out so i didn't respond.

needless to say, i didn't bother texting back the next day, not to that text, and not to the good morning text he sent me. he had to call me. i didn't feel like talking to him so i said i was busy and i'd call him back. i didn't. so he called me sunday and we talked it out a little bit.

i admitted to being a little irritated because he had ignored me and then he proceeded to deny every example that i threw at him. and he ended up calling me paranoid and crazy. WTF. so i got a little mad and fell silent. he asked when we would hang out again and i said probably the weekend. and that was the end of that.

thursday night we started texting again and i asked when i would see him and he said he and olivia were going to union jacks in columbia and that i should come. i got so mad.

a. i don't particularly like olivia

b. thats like saying, oh im going to this party, you could come if you wanted, but i may or may not notice your presence

c. i did want to go, but i'd have to drive an hour, be sober, bring brittney, mingle with his friends for an hour, pretend to care about olivia, meet n greet with aaron for like 5 minutes, watch other girls hit on him, and mingle with his friends for another hour. so not worth it.

i refused to go. instead, brittney and i went out, got shitfaced, and brought home marines. of course, midway through making out with mine (he was black) i decided i wasn't into it and i bailed and slept in the bathroom on a towel bed that i made for myself. and then in the morning i gave him trey's number. because i hate trey.

aaron and i had minimal texting contact until monday when he saw me online and requested a phone chat.

we ended up skyping for over two hours. mostly catching up since both of us were too stubborn to call the other person while he was home. and then he said:

"so there's no easy way to bring this up but i find it ironic that we discuss relationships all the time but we never discuss you and me"

i was speechless. i had NO IDEA he was going to bring it up. he apologized for avoiding me on friday. and then i apologized for ignoring him out of jealousy. he told me i was much cuter than the girl anyways. we both admitted to caring a lot about each other while being seriously attracted to the other person. we also talked about chicago later when i brought it up. when i brought it up, he was like, by all means, go ahead. and i legitimately didn't know what to say and it drove him crazy hahah. he was tearing at his hair making it all crazy to emphasize it. eventually i had to lie down and not look at the computer to tell him what i felt about what happened. he had been mulling over our hook up while i had been stuck on that one kiss.

he said he couldn't really put into words what he was feeling when he kissed me, just that he was really sad to see me go, didn't want me to leave, and it just felt right. maybe if he kissed me, i wouldn't leave. which i thought was adorable. and then i confessed that i legitimately thought i had finished off those feelings for him when he moved away. and then he showed up at the dinner table on friday and everything came flooding back.

me: it was terrible

aaron: terrible?!

me: terrible...and wonderful?? i don't know! i just didn't think i had to deal with this again

this all sounds way more concise than it actually was because he and i were too stubborn to say anything outright.

and now its on my minddddddd

additionally, georgia is on my mind.

i want that atlanta position SO BAD. and i had my interviews today and i get the sinking feeling that i wasn't good enough. it wasn't that they said, it was more what they didn't say. i don't know. maybe im being paranoid.

im going crazy.

also, my parents are hoarders. kill me.