so i was supposed to blog everyday for lent. try to sort my feelings out, sort my life, etc

i missed two days. i think. thursday because it was st. patty's day and friday because i just couldn't bring myself to.

it was already a poor lenten resolution and i've already screwed it up. sorry jesus. i even ate meat on friday. i suck at this, this year.

i haven't spoken to trey in a week. i was about to try and type it all out...but maybe a timeline might be clearer:

sunday

text from trey: hi! i miss you too! what happened in bethesda?

sunday-wednesday

multiple calls and texts from me plus a stressed out voicemail

wednesday night

text from trey: hey babe, sorry i've been out of it for the past few days, ive been camping and i didn't think that i wouldn't have service but i get to see you tomorrow!!

text from me: .....seriously?

text from trey: i'll give you a call when i get back to school...i really am sorry love

thursday-friday

multiple texts and calls and another stressed out voicemail from me

finally i manned up and texted mrs. smith who clarified for me that trey was not coming home, we was camping instead.

so now im jsut fucking confused as hell

unfortunately i also took a pause from writing this all out to read another blogpost from an activist friend who is working with and writing about the troubles of the sex trafficking in vietnam. now i just feel like an idiot worrying about this when there are legitimately worries in the world that could use my help.

but what i need to do is to sort myself out first so i can then move on to help others.

so here goes.

i don't understand even a little bit whats going on with trey. there is never an excuse for not calling. i can understand the camping thing. but then he texted me. how was that possible? how is it not possible for him to drive into town to borrow a phone or use a pay phone to call me? i'm not going to go into all the scenarios that could happen for him to call me...even though i would go through all of them to call him. but that would just seem petty and its kind of besides the point.

he stood me up.

and i don't mean in the normal way of not showing up to a date. the only time he's ever done that was when his father grounded him for some family drama nonsense. but he stood me up for a coming home visit. he assured me he would be home, and he didn't come home. and i don't understand where the miscommunication was.

11:11. make a fucking wish.

i wish i could figure this out. i wish it would stop messing with my head and screwing me up.

the minute's over so i suppose i have to stop wishing now.

dumb superstitious wishes aside, i wish i knew what to do. i wish i didn't need him, i wish he was there. i wish he'd stop making me look like a fool, i wish i had the courage to leave. i wish i could find the love i needed elsewhere and i wish my rollercoaster of a lovelife would just pause suspended in happiness for once. i wish he'd grow up, that he would recognize how desperately i need him to stop fucking around.

is this what my relationship has come to? contemplating my next move alone on a saturday night?

its lose lose. its always lose lose for me. i prefer to leave before i'm left but i never really want to leave. i still cry, i still spend nights thinking about them, i still struggle after the relationship. if i leave, im a bitch. if i stay, im an idiot. better a bitch than stupid right?

all i want is to be wanted.