Lost

you might be misled by the title so let me clarify, this blogpost is not about the show, Lost. in fact, i don't think i've ever watched a single episode of it. my only contact with that show is listening to friends rave about the beginning seasons and hearing the enthusiasm fade to a disappointed murmur by the show's end.

but tonight's online ravings focus on my life's misdirections.

trey is home. the love of my life, apple of my eye, and the cheese to my macaroni is home. i am supposed to feel complete, instead i feel empty, confused, and unsure. i've waited for him to come home for so long that the big event has turned into something that i almost dread.

recently, i've been giving more thought to our relationship.

we are best friends, i tell everyone. and he is absolutely not my boyfriend. i can protest that one all day long, but we all know different. i am severely attached to this boy who's run my life for the past 5 or so years.

and as boyfriends go, he is the worst

he has a routine where he leaves for college, keeps in touch for about a week, and gradually fades out of my life. a month later, i'm sick of only drunk dialed contact and we have a big talk about commitment and what i deserve from him. he apologizes, swears up and down that he loves me and keep in touch for the week. and the cycle renews itself. it doesn't sound like much, but when the cycle has repeated itself at least 5 times now there is just something wrong with the situation. also when i invest myself in someone, i don't go half way and i expect the same. to those that much is given, much is expected.

and i know why i kept giving him 43902589731 second chances

he's the person that knows me better than i know myself. he's the person i ran to when the world was black and miserable and everything was going wrong. he was the one that can always make me smile, even if everyone outside is driving me up the wall and i can't stand people that week. but see, he doesn't anymore. he doesn't talk to me so he doesn't know whats going on in my life. he can't be there for me when i need him and most days, its him thats driving me up the wall.

and somewhere in this mess of a relationship, aaron came along.

aaron who is wonderfully smart, funny, and attentive. last year when he asked me out he told me that he found me incredibly intriguing and beautiful. at first i wasn't interested but somewhere during our friendship he really grew on me and now we talk/hang out everyday. i like him a lot. a few nights ago we hung out and when i came back i couldn't sleep because i was thinking about him. yeah, its gotten that bad.

my master plan was to spend the summer with trey, doing all those things we planned to do and then just let the relationship go when trey goes. i see no point in keeping up a relationship with a boy who can't bother to take a few minutes in between smoking up and being fratty to call me and pretend like he cares about my life. come fall, potentially make aaron fall in love with me all over again since i broke his heart this past semester and then we didn't talk for two months.

i don't know how he did it but i was miserable. really and truly.

but ive turned aaron down so many times that i don't know if he'll hold on until the fall. will he even still like me then?

i don't know how i got my life back in crisis and more importantly i don't know where to go from here. they're both important people to me...but who comes first?